Humor from the Pulpit

Three passengers boarded a small airplane- a Minister, a boy scout, and a senator. The flight was going along real smoothly when all of a sudden the pilot ran to the back and said, "I've got some bad news; this plane is going down. There's nothing I can do. And what's worse is there are only three parachutes on this plane." He said, "I've got a wife and four children, my family needs me"; and he grabbed a parachute and jumped. The senator pushed pass the Minister and little boy and said, "I am the smartest senator in the world; I'm going places, this country needs me"; and he grabbed one and jumped. The Minister looked at the little boy and said, "Son, I dedicated my life to Christ many many years ago and I've lived a good life; your life is just beginning. You go ahead, take that last parachute and jump." The little boy looked up at the Minister and said, "Minister, that's not the last parachute, the smartest senator in the world jumped with my knapsack."

Eighty year old Mr. Smith was visiting his eighty-two year old friend Mr. Jones. Mrs. Jones walked into the room with a big plate of cookies and coffee. "Thank you, Honey Bun", replied Mr. Jones. Thirty minutes later, Mrs. Jones returned to remove the cookie plate and coffee mugs. "Oh, I could get that Sweetie Pie", said Mr. Jones. An hour later, Mrs. Jones poked her head into the room and asked the men if they needed anything else before she went to visit her friend. Mr. Jones replied, "No thank you, pumpkin." After Mrs. Jones departed, Mr. Smith said to Mr. Jones, "Man, I can't believe after sixty years of marriage, you still call your wife all those lovey-dovey names." Mr. Jones said, "I have to, I forgot her name twenty years ago."
Mr. Berry called his wife Emma to his hospital bed to tell her something very important. As he held her hand, he said, "Honey, you have always been there with me. When I fell down those stairs and broke my hip; you were right there. When I got hit by a stray bullet from that drive-by shooting; you were there. When we were fishing on the lake and I got struck by lightning; you were right there. When I tried to miss hitting that little puppy and ran into that tree; honey, you were right there. Baby, I just got to say it, Emma, You're bad luck!"
When the new psychiatrist was making rounds on the ward, two patients immediatedly caught his attention. The first patient was hanging from the ceiling. The other was sitting on the floor nearby diligently working on a model airplane. The doctor walked up to the man hanging from the ceiling, but before he could say anything to him, the other patient spoke. Without taking his eyes from his work, the patient said, "Oh, don't mind him Doc, he's crazy! He's my best friend but he doesn't have a lick of sense. He thinks he's a light bulb! The doctor said, "But, would you look at him? His face is turning purple and his eyes are bulging. If he's your friend, don't you think you should tell him to get down from there? The patient stopped working, looked up at the doctor, and said, "What; and work in the dark?
The Sisters of the Usher Board decided to visit the Head Usher, Sister Bea, who had lost her husband six months earlier. The Sisters had talked among themselves and agreed Sister Bea had been in mourning long enough and that she shouldn't be alone anymore. They were going to fix her up with Deacon Jones. After about an hour of church talk, the Sisters delicately approached the subject of a date with Deacon Jones. Sister Bea became explosive, demanding, "How could you all think such a thing? I'm not lonely! I've got Jesus in my life! I wake up in the morning with Jesus! I talk with Jesus all through the day! I go to bed at night with Jesus! It's me and Jesus!" Then, Sister Bea quietly and politely asked the Sisters to leave. The Sisters walked the block home in utter shame. How could they have been so insensitive! They couldn't imagine facing Sister Bea in church the coming Sunday. Two nights later, about 3:00 in the morning, the neighborhood was awakened by the sirens of fire engines. A couple of the Sisters ran down the street to discover the back of Sister Bea's house in flames. They watched as Sister Bea ran from the burning house, and to their surprise, a heavy-set man wearing pajamas was running right behind her. One Sister looked at the other and said, "Yonder goes Jesus!"
A young man who had been unemployed for months was very excited when he saw a "Help Wanted" sign in a business window. The young man inquired inside and found out the company needed an entertainer. He applied for the job, was interviewed, and hired on the spot. The man was quite excited to discover the job started immediately. But his excitement quickly turned to dismay when he found out the job was to dress up in a monkey costume and swing from a tree limb. Since he had been out of work for so long, he figured a job is a job. The young man donned the monkey outfit, climbed the tree, crawled out unto the limb and began to swing. He looked down and was shocked to see he was swinging directly over a lion's cage. He watched in total fear as a ferocious lion walked around in the cage. In his fear, the young man began to swing faster and harder which caused the limb to start cracking. The man began screaming, "Oh, Lord, I don't want to get eaten by this lion! Please save me! Lord, I know I'm nothing like Daniel who was thrown into the lion's den, but please save me too! Please! Help Me! Somebody help me!" As the limb continued to crack, the man screamed louder and louder. Finally, the lion looked up at the man and said, "Man, shut up all that hollering and foolishness before you make both of us lose our jobs!"
After about thirty minutes of explanations to her five year old, a young mother was convinced she had made her son understand the importance of silence and attentiveness when the Minister was preaching his sermon. During church services, the mother smiled proudly as her son sat silently and captivated by the Minister's every word. In his closing remarks, the Minister said, "Remember Church, Jesus is everywhere. Jesus.........is.........Everywhere!" To this, the little boy exclaimed, "Mama, I hope Jesus is not in my back pocket eating my cookies!"

God has given us the power of laughter, not only to laugh AT things but to laugh OFF things. The art of laughing at yourself or your own profession is the highest form of laughter.

A man and woman, who had been friends for many years died and went to heaven. They told St. Peter they wanted to get married. "Take your time and think about it", said St. Peter. "You've got an eternity to think about it here. Come back and talk to me about it in 50 years." Fifty years later, the couple returned and again told St. Peter they wanted to get married. St. Peter scratched his head and said, "Take your time and think some more about it. Come back and see me in another 50 years, and if we don't have a Minister up here by then, I'll perform the ceremony myself."

Three Ministers from the same congregation were out fishing in a boat when they all decided to confess their sins. The first Minister said, "My sin is Stealing! I love to steal! And I've just about stolen all the church funds. Y'all, please pray for me." The second Minister said, "My sin is Whoremongering! I love the Sisters! I just can't keep my hands off the Sisters! Y'all, please pray for me." The third Minister said, "My sin is Gossiping! I can't keep anything to myself! Y'all pray for each other cause I can hardly wait to run tell the congregation on y'all!

God loves a cheerful giver. And so do many others. This piece was great just before the offering.

A husband and wife were sitting on the sofa watching their favorite T.V. program when the wife suddenly clicked off the T.V. The husband stared at her as if she were crazy. The wife said, "Honey, before you say anything, I have something very important I need to say." She said, "I am ashamed at the way we are living. It's bad. My dad pays our rent, my mom sends us money for food, my brother pays our utilities and phone bill, and my aunt sends us money for clothes. That's really sad, and I'm ashamed." The husband looked at his wife and said, "you know what? You should be ashamed, because you got two uncles that won't send us a dime!"

Pastor Barnes and Mrs. Smith, the church secretary were in the Pastor's office discussing the recent purchase of new hymnals. The phone rang down the hall in Mrs. Smith's office. She excused herself and left to answer the phone. The gentleman on the other end said, "I'd like to speak to the Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Smith, thinking the gentleman had not heard the manner in which she answered the phone, said, "Sir, this is the Progressive Baptist Church." The gentleman answered, "Yes, I know and I'd like to speak to the Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Smith asked, "You're not referring to our Pastor, are you?" The man answered, "Yes, The Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Smith, trying hard to keep the irritation out of her voice answered, "Sir, our Pastor is a very fine man who has devoted his life to God and this church. He's very well respected in the community and everyone loves him. Yet you call here showing no regard for him or his profession. There's no way I could let you speak to our Pastor, calling him the Head Hog in the Trough! No way!" The gentleman said, "Okay, I just had a $10,000 check I wanted to donate to the Church Building Fund." Mrs. Smith answered, "Sir, hold on, the Big Pig just walked in!"

Rev. Bell is a great Pastor/comedian. We thank him for bringing laughter and humor to the church each Sunday. It has been said that a Pastor who lacks humor is a Pastor who lacks reality and a closeness to his congregation.

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